How hard it must be…

I just read an email from my mother that hit me so hard, I just sat here crying uncontrollably and feeling so helpless in this world.  I have to keep reminding myself that God must have a plan, but it’s difficult sometimes to put your faith in the unknown.

For those who may not know, my grandmother has kidney disease and is on dialysis treatments.  She has to go three times a week to a facility and sit in a chair for five hours to get hooked up to a machine that leaves her absolutely drained.  But without it, she would die in less than two weeks.

I know my grandma is strong, and I’m so thankful that I’ve discovered that same strength in me as well, but honestly, I just don’t know how she does it sometimes.  Her life wasn’t an easy one.  Not by any means.  And my wish for her has always been for her to be able to enjoy the rest of her life, without any constrictions or obstacles.  But I guess God knows she can handle a lot, because he sure lets her go through a lot more than I think is possible.

And today was no different.  I can’t even begin to imagine being in her position or any other patient on dialysis, going day in and day out to a facility that you rely on to live.  And to form relationships with the other patients who you now call your friend, only to come and not know who’s time is up next.

Today, it took the life of a man in his 20s right in front of my grandma.  There he was sitting a few feet away from her, with her being one of the last people he talked to.  Then, he fell to the floor and the nurses tried to revive him, but it was too late.  He was pronounced dead upon arrival to the hospital.

From the handful of times I’ve gone with my grandma to her dialysis treatments, he was there each time in the waiting room.  I remember everyone being so nice to him trying to get his spirits up, and him just looking so down all the time.  I never saw any family bring him.  He always had to come on public transit, and once his treatments were done, he was always waiting an hour or more for his ride to get him.  I always wished that he had someone like my mother to take him and care for him as much as my mom cares for my grandma.  But many patients are like this young man, and many don’t know how to be an advocate for themselves.

I know my grandma is shook up after today, and I keep going through a range of emotions, only to keep coming back to anger.  I’m angry at the disease, I’m angry about the way some of the staff treat the patients, I’m angry about the way that they don’t double check their procedures when it’s someone’s life on the line, I’m angry that a young man lost his life today, and I’m especially angry that any day my grandma will be next despite how hard she’s worked to prevent it.  And I feel so damn helpless that it’s out of my hands and that I can’t do anything about it!!!  #unfair